I've always had an issue with the term 'gentle parenting'; as if the other option is being a 'rough' parent!
I'm pretty sure the majority of parents are gentle with their children (certainly those who invest time, energy and money into being a better parent). However the thing is, gentle also has connotations of 'soft'. Which can be confused with 'a walkover' or 'permissive'. And it also disregards the fact that parenting is blooming' triggering and stressful a lot of the time, and ‘gentle’ doesn’t describe the inner dialogue and turmoil you often feel.
For me it's just active parenting. Being proactive, invested, intentional, but also sometimes getting it wrong and learning from that. None of us will get it right 100% of the time.
My belief is that the true answer to being calmer is not being told 'say this' or 'do that' - the true answer is to actually learn about and understand child development. you don't need a degree in it but to understand a little bit about what is going on in your child's brain and how it impacts them and their behaviours, will really impact how you feel and behave.
If you really understand why children might be doing what they’re doing, and what they need in those moments, you will find it easier to empathise, feel connected and to manage. You'll just feel calmer!
Let me explain a bit about emotional regulation skills and the idea of 'self soothing'.
Children (that includes when you were a child!), learn to regulate first through co-regulation. Co-regulation is being with someone else who is more stable and calm (normally an adult), who teaches you how to regulate in that moment. How to feel your feelings, acknowledge them, learn what is going on and move through it. Expecting a child to self-regulate or self sooth without support and being shown how to do so sets them up to fail.
Supporting children to learn these tools young is key to them being healthier, happier adults.
AND THEN, our children will find it easier to regulate themselves when THEIR children are struggling… and so the cycle will start to break- due to what you do now!
This is my ‘3 R Wheel’ approach to Reframing Behaviour and supporting boundaries at home. The more time and energy we spend proactively and positively in Stage 1 and Stage 3, the less time we will need to spend in Stage 2, which can drain our energy and time.