When I worked this out, it changed everything for me as a parent and as a childcare professional and teacher. It changed how I perceived my role, how I showed up AND it changed things for the children too. It now underpins everything I do and my approach when I support yo, whether that's in a consultation call, a class, a course or my content.
So what is it?
It's a total perspective shift. It will help lower your feelings of overwhelm and guilt and will help you to respond with a calmer more controlled approach. What's not to like?!
When we birth, or care for children, we look at their innocent little faces it is natural to think "I never want anything bad to ever happen to you". We are protective, and rightly so! We want them to smile and be happy. But the thing is, life actually isn't aways happy. Even (and especially) for children!
It's a journey of working things out. Experimenting. Learning. Living. And that involves feeling every emotion. Things often not going right or how they expect or want them to go...
So what is our role?
Our role is to make children feel emotionally safe. Not happy, but safe.
It is only when young children FEEL safe emotionally that they are able to access the world fully. Become resilient. Build confidence. Explore. Engage. Learn. It really is not all about happiness...
But... the likelihood is that if children grow up feeling safe and secure; they will actually become happier adults.
So, from now on, instead of going in to parenthood thinking ‘All I want is for you to be happy’ we actually need to go in to it thinking ‘I want you to know that you are safe with me”.
Emotionally safe to deal with whatever comes their way. Whether that is your baby going in the dreaded carseat for the first time, or your child is starting school or your teenager tells you about a mistake they've made. You may not be able to control their happiness, but you can control how safe you make them FEEL in that moment of distress.
We can't always fix it. But you can adapt how you behave which will impact how they feel.
We need to teach children to feel:
Safe in their feelings.
Safe to make mistakes.
Safe to express themselves.
Safe when they’re hurt.
Safe to speak up.
Safe when they’re in trouble.
Safe when things go wrong.
Safe to make decisions.
Safe to try new things.
Safe to take risks.
Safe to cry.
Safe to change their minds.
Safe to be themselves.
Try it - When you change the word ‘happy’ to ‘safe’ it changes everything. Not only will it help your child but it will help YOU.
How many times have you felt like a failure when your child is distraught? Or guilty about making certain decisions, like going back to work or leaving them for the evening with a babysitter? This perspective shift will elevate that pressure. It will help you sit with them in their feelings rather than try to fix it.
How can I help my child feel safe when they start school?
How can I help my baby feel safe when I leave them for the first time?
How can I help my child feel safe when they are anxious at night?
How can I help my preschooler feel safe when they get a new sibling?
How can I help my baby feel safe when they are crying in the car?
How can I help my child feel safe when their friends are being mean?
How can I help my toddler feel safe when they are angry about a toy being taken?
How can I help my toddler feel safe when they are disregulated and can't get themselves out of it (having a tantrum!?).
Give this approach a try, and see if it helps you feel calmer in the moment. Sometimes the answer is very simple. Your reassurance and presence. Your calmness about the situation. Often that is all they need.
(And this DOESN'T mean you can't set clear boundaries and it doesn't mean you have to be permissive. The opposite in fact! Clear, considered and appropriate boundaries actually help provide feelings of safety and security...theres another blog on this!).
Please let me know how you get on!
Love Rosie x
If your child is starting school in England in September and you want help on how to stay calm and be prepared, then check out my Big Leap Bundle - all whole pack of resources and guides for you and your child to help make them feel safe and ready for this huge milestone!